How to apologize to an intelligent woman (not including your wife, version).

It’s possible for a man to have a deep, abiding love for a female that he’s never going to marry or fornicate with, even in site of the woman he has done both of those things with. And, it’s possible that you might insult that woman!

Now, apologizing to your wife is another story – I’m not addressing it here. I’m addressing … the apology directed at your sophisticated female companion.

I recently found myself in the position of being wrong; that’s to say, I found myself in the position of being hurtful, regressive and … simple.

There’s something particularly difficult about finding the appropriate melody of inherent authenticity, rational coherency … and unfettered vulnerability that makes apologizing to … not just any female, but to a rational female (perhaps you might find yourself, for instance, in the position of apologizing to your lecturer … a friend; a superior … a lover … or some melange that incorporates all of these categories), painfully cryptic.

To begin, it can’t be emphasized enough that any apology, and especially one you’re going to be offering to a woman you hold in high regard, is fundamentally based on a combination of two things: Sincerity, and the willingness to deflect the inherent impulse to stray from self-blame. Along the lines of your attempt, you’ll inevitably find yourself wandering ever so delicately into the realm of rationalist. You’ll have failed.

As I said initially, this sort of apology demands the melodic, baroque elements of a sad, self punitive castigation (go explicitly through every specific individual pathology you acted out, in medium detail), along with the communicated awareness of the inherent emotional damage conveyed.

Don’t speak like that – it’s just an example. Don’t be as rational as I just was.

“What you saw was the sad, jealous effort of a confused individual. What I said, whenever I said something directed at you, was my personal hubris and fault being displaced onto you. When I said you were a fraud, what I meant was, you’re so brilliant and universally beloved, that I could’t help but regress into a childlike troll and resort to playground dialogue in order to cover up my own inadequacy.”

It’s important you really spare no effort when it comes to scouring the depths of your childhood deprivations, family pathologies and constellations, as well as irrational belief systems, in producing a comprehensive explanation of how each unseemly remark really stems from your own ugly nature, not theirs.

What’s so fundamentally different about an apology you’d offer a brilliant female friend than one you’d offer your brilliant male friend? I’m not sure. I honestly can’t explain the social dynamic behind that. In my experience, the flagellation simply works more effectively like this with a beloved female friend.

Yes, platonic love is possible – you can have a beloved/adored female friend … even when you’re married (or not). Yes, she can care for you in a meaningful way even if she isn’t going to betroth you. Let’s be honest – marriage is being methodically deconstructed anyhow. The chances are, the more ephemerally intelligent and wonderful this female friend of yours is, the less likely she’s being into the construct anyhow. Work hard to apologize correctly to her.

Please don’t mistake any of what I’ve said for cynicism – it’s not. It’s based on legitimate experience; painful experience even. It’s not meant as a thesis on the sordid, underlying mechanisms differentiating male-male apologies from female-female apologies. It’s derived entirely from inductive reasoning and experience (mostly successful).

Finally, always take in mind, using common sense, the woman’s personality. I find myself primarily surrounded by what you’d call “rational” women … sometimes the Idealist variety; hardly ever your Guardian or Artisan (I don’t run in to many beautiful female artists to apologize profusely to.

Taking time out to profusely apologize, and doing it in an organized way … a thoughtful way … can actually be cathartic. It can bring friends closer together.

Now … how to apologize to your wife?

Maybe my next article.

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